a woman of thirty-第26部分

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e　arm　I　put　about　her；　no　tremor　comes　into　my　voice；　no　softness　into　my　eyes　when　I　speak　to　her　or　take　her　up。　She　looks　at　me；　and　I　cannot　endure　the　reproach　in　her　eyes。　There　are　times　when　I　shudder　to　think　that　some　day　she　may　be　my　judge　and　condemn　her　mother　unheard。　Heaven　grant　that　hate　may　not　grow　up　between　us！　Ah！　God　in　heaven；　rather　let　the　tomb　open　for　me；　rather　let　me　end　my　days　here　at　Saint…Lange！I　want　to　go　back　to　the　world　where　I　shall　find　my　other　soul　and　become　wholly　a　mother。　Ah！　forgive　me；　sir；　I　am　mad。　Those　words　were　choking　me；　now　they　are　spoken。　Ah！　you　are　weeping　too！　You　will　not　despise　me〃

She　heard　the　child　come　in　from　a　walk。　〃Helene；　my　child；　come　here！〃　she　called。　The　words　sounded　like　a　cry　of　despair。

The　little　girl　ran　in；　laughing　and　calling　to　her　mother　to　see　a　butterfly　which　she　had　caught；　but　at　the　sight　of　that　mother's　tears　she　grew　quiet　of　a　sudden；　and　went　up　close；　and　received　a　kiss　on　her　forehead。

〃She　will　be　very　beautiful　some　day；〃　said　the　priest。

〃She　is　her　father's　child；〃　said　the　Marquise；　kissing　the　little　one　with　eager　warmth；　as　if　she　meant　to　pay　a　debt　of　affection　or　to　extinguish　some　feeling　of　remorse。

〃How　hot　you　are；　mamma！〃

〃There；　go　away；　my　angel；〃　said　the　Marquise。

The　child　went。　She　did　not　seem　at　all　sorry　to　go；　she　did　not　look　back；　glad　perhaps　to　escape　from　a　sad　face；　and　instinctively　comprehending　already　an　antagonism　of　feeling　in　its　expression。　A　mother's　love　finds　language　in　smiles；　they　are　a　part　of　the　divine　right　of　motherhood。　The　Marquise　could　not　smile。　She　flushed　red　as　she　felt　the　cure's　eyes。　She　had　hoped　to　act　a　mother's　part　before　him；　but　neither　she　nor　her　child　could　deceive　him。　And；　indeed；　when　a　woman　loves　sincerely；　in　the　kiss　she　gives　there　is　a　divine　honey；　it　is　as　if　a　soul　were　breathed　forth　in　the　caress；　a　subtle　flame　of　fire　which　brings　warmth　to　the　heart；　the　kiss　that　lacks　this　delicious　unction　is　meagre　and　formal。　The　priest　had　felt　the　difference。　He　could　fathom　the　depths　that　lie　between　the　motherhood　of　the　flesh　and　the　motherhood　of　the　heart。　He　gave　the　Marquise　a　keen；　scrutinizing　glance；　then　he　said：

〃You　are　right；　madame；　it　would　be　better　for　you　if　you　were　dead〃

〃Ah！〃　she　cried；　〃then　you　know　all　my　misery；　I　see　you　do　if；　Christian　priest　as　you　are；　you　can　guess　my　determination　to　die　and　sanction　it。　Yes；　I　meant　to　die；　but　I　have　lacked　the　courage。　The　spirit　was　strong；　but　the　flesh　was　weak；　and　when　my　hand　did　not　tremble；　the　spirit　within　me　wavered。

〃I　do　not　know　the　reason　of　these　inner　struggles；　and　alternations。　I　am　very　pitiably　a　woman　no　doubt；　weak　in　my　will；　strong　only　to　love。　Oh；　I　despise　myself。　At　night；　when　all　my　household　was　asleep；　I　would　go　out　bravely　as　far　as　the　lake；　but　when　I　stood　on　the　brink；　my　cowardice　shrank　from　self…destruction。　To　you　I　will　confess　my　weakness。　When　I　lay　in　my　bed；　again；　shame　would　come　over　me；　and　courage　would　come　back。　Once　I　took　a　dose　of　laudanum；　I　was　ill；　but　I　did　not　die。　I　thought　I　had　emptied　the　phial；　but　I　had　only　taken　half　the　dose。〃

〃You　are　lost；　madame；〃　the　cure　said　gravely；　with　tears　in　his　voice。　〃You　will　go　back　into　the　world；　and　you　will　deceive　the　world。　You　will　seek　and　find　a　compensation　（as　you　imagine　it　to　be）　for　your　woes；　then　will　come　a　day　of　reckoning　for　your　pleasures〃

〃Do　you　think；〃　she　cried；　〃that　/I/　shall　bestow　the　last；　the　most　precious　treasures　of　my　heart　upon　the　first　base　impostor　who　can　play　the　comedy　of　passion？　That　I　would　pollute　my　life　for　a　moment　of　doubtful　pleasure？　No；　the　flame　which　shall　consume　my　soul　shall　be　love；　and　nothing　but　love。　All　men；　monsieur；　have　the　senses　of　their　sex；　but　not　all　have　the　man's　soul　which　satisfies　all　the　requirements　of　our　nature；　drawing　out　the　melodious　harmony　which　never　breaks　forth　save　in　response　to　the　pressure　of　feeling。　Such　a　soul　is　not　found　twice　in　our　lifetime。　The　future　that　lies　before　me　is　hideous；　I　know　it。　A　woman　is　nothing　without　love；　beauty　is　nothing　without　pleasure。　And　even　if　happiness　were　offered　to　me　a　second　time；　would　not　the　world　frown　upon　it？　I　owe　my　daughter　an　honored　mother。　Oh！　I　am　condemned　to　live　in　an　iron　circle；　from　which　there　is　but　one　shameful　way　of　escape。　The　round　of　family　duties；　a　thankless　and　irksome　task；　is　in　store　for　me。　I　shall　curse　life；　but　my　child　shall　have　at　least　a　fair　semblance　of　a　mother。　I　will　give　her　treasures　of　virtue　for　the　treasures　of　love　of　which　I　defraud　her。

〃I　have　not　even　the　mother's　desire　to　live　to　enjoy　her　child's　happiness。　I　have　no　belief　in　happiness。　What　will　Helene's　fate　be？　My　own；　beyond　doubt。　How　can　a　mother　ensure　that　the　man　to　whom　she　gives　her　daughter　will　be　the　husband　of　her　heart？　You　pour　scorn　on　the　miserable　creatures　who　sell　themselves　for　a　few　coins　to　any　passer…by；　though　want　and　hunger　absolve　the　brief　union；　while　another　union；　horrible　for　quite　other　reasons；　is　tolerated；　nay　encouraged；　by　society；　and　a　young　and　innocent　girl　is　married　to　a　man　whom　she　has　only　met　occasionally　during　the　previous　three　months。　She　is　sold　for　her　whole　lifetime。　It　is　true　that　the　price　is　high！　If　you　allow　her　no　compensation　for　her　sorrows；　you　might　at　least　respect　her；　but　no；　the　most　virtuous　of　women　cannot　escape　calumny。　This　is　our　fate　in　its　double　aspect。　Open　prostitution　and　shame；　secret　prostitution　and　unhappiness。　As　for　the　poor；　portionless　girls；　they　may　die　or　go　mad；　without　a　soul　to　pity　them。　Beauty　and　virtue　are　not　marketable　in　the　bazaar　where　souls　and　bodies　are　bought　and　soldin　the　den　of　selfishness　which　you　call　society。　Why　not　disinherit　daughters？　Then；　at　least；　you　might　fulfil　one　of　the　laws　of　nature；　and　guided　by　your　own　inclinations；　choose　your　companions。〃

〃Madame；　from　your　talk　it　is　clear　to　me　that　neither　the　spirit　of　family　nor　the　sense　of　religion　appeals　to　you。　Why　should　you　hesitate　between　the　claims　of　the　social　selfishness　which　irritates　you；　and　the　purely　personal　selfishness　which　craves　satisfactions〃

〃The　family；　monsieurdoes　such　a　thing　exist？　I　decline　to　recognize　as　a　family　a　knot　of　individuals　bidden　by　society　to　divide　the　property　after　the　death　of　father　and　mother；　and　to　go　their　separate　ways。　A　family　means　a　temporary　association　of　persons　brought　together　by　no　will　of　their　own；　dissolved　at　once　by　death。　Our　laws　have　broken　up　homes　and　estates；　and　the　old　family　tradition　handed　down　from　generation　to　generation。　I　see　nothing　but　wreck　and　ruin　about　me。〃

〃Madame；　you　will　only　return　to　God　when　His　hand　has　been　heavy　upon　you；　and　I　pray　that　you　have　time　enough　given　to　you　in　which　to　make　your　peace　with　Him。　Instead　of　looking　to　heaven　for　comfort；　you　are　fixing　your　eyes　on　earth。　Philosophism　and　personal　interest　have　invaded　your　heart；　like　the　children　of　the　sceptical　eighteenth　century；　you　are　deaf　to　the　voice　of　religion。　The　pleasures　of　this　life　bring　nothing　but　misery。　You　are　about　to　make