a woman of thirty-第25部分

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　burden　of　marriage；　an　institution　on　which　society　is　based；　falls　upon　us；　for　the　man　liberty；　duties　for　the　woman。　We　must　give　up　our　whole　lives　to　you；　you　are　only　bound　to　give　us　a　few　moments　of　yours。　A　man；　in　fact；　makes　a　choice；　while　we　blindly　submit。　Oh；　monsieur；　to　you　I　can　speak　freely。　Marriage；　in　these　days；　seems　to　me　to　be　legalized　prostitution。　This　is　the　cause　of　my　wretchedness。　But　among　so　many　miserable　creatures　so　unhappily　yoked；　I　alone　am　bound　to　be　silent；　I　alone　am　to　blame　for　my　misery。　My　marriage　was　my　own　doing。〃

She　stopped　short；　and　bitter　tears　fell　in　the　silence。

〃In　the　depths　of　my　wretchedness；　in　the　midst　of　this　sea　of　distress；〃　she　went　on；　〃I　found　some　sands　on　which　to　set　foot　and　suffer　at　leisure。　A　great　tempest　swept　everything　away。　And　here　am　I；　helpless　and　alone；　too　weak　to　cope　with　storms。〃

〃We　are　never　weak　while　God　is　with　us；〃　said　the　priest。　〃And　if　your　cravings　for　affection　cannot　be　satisfied　here　on　earth；　have　you　no　duties　to　perform？〃

〃Duties　continually！〃　she　exclaimed；　with　something　of　impatience　in　her　tone。　〃But　where　for　me　are　the　sentiments　which　give　us　strength　to　perform　them？　Nothing　from　nothing；　nothing　for　nothing；this；　monsieur；　is　one　of　the　most　inexorable　laws　of　nature；　physical　or　spiritual。　Would　you　have　these　trees　break　into　leaf　without　the　sap　which　swells　the　buds？　It　is　the　same　with　our　human　nature；　and　in　me　the　sap　is　dried　up　at　its　source。〃

〃I　am　not　going　to　speak　to　you　of　religious　sentiments　of　which　resignation　is　born；〃　said　the　cure；　〃but　of　motherhood；　madame；　surely〃

〃Stop；　monsieur！〃　said　the　Marquise；　〃with　you　I　will　be　sincere。　Alas！　in　future　I　can　be　sincere　with　no　one；　I　am　condemned　to　falsehood。　The　world　requires　continual　grimaces；　and　we　are　bidden　to　obey　its　conventions　if　we　would　escape　reproach。　There　are　two　kinds　of　motherhood；　monsieur；　once　I　knew　nothing　of　such　distinctions；　but　I　know　them　now。　Only　half　of　me　has　become　a　mother；　it　were　better　for　me　if　I　had　not　been　a　mother　at　all。　Helene　is　not　/his/　child！　Oh！　do　not　start。　At　Saint…Lange　there　are　volcanic　depths　whence　come　lurid　gleams　of　light　and　earthquake　shocks　to　shake　the　fragile　edifices　of　laws　not　based　on　nature。　I　have　borne　a　child；　that　is　enough；　I　am　a　mother　in　the　eyes　of　the　law。　But　you；　monsieur；　with　your　delicately　compassionate　soul；　can　perhaps　understand　this　cry　from　an　unhappy　woman　who　has　suffered　no　lying　illusions　to　enter　her　heart。　God　will　judge　me；　but　surely　I　have　only　obeyed　His　laws　by　giving　way　to　the　affections　which　He　Himself　set　in　me；　and　this　I　have　learned　from　my　own　soul。What　is　a　child；　monsieur；　but　the　image　of　two　beings；　the　fruit　of　two　sentiments　spontaneously　blended？　Unless　it　is　owned　by　every　fibre　of　the　body；　as　by　every　chord　of　tenderness　in　the　heart；　unless　it　recalls　the　bliss　of　love；　the　hours；　the　places　where　two　creatures　were　happy；　their　words　that　overflowed　with　the　music　of　humanity；　and　their　sweet　imaginings；　that　child　is　an　incomplete　creation。　Yes；　those　two　should　find　the　poetic　dreams　of　their　intimate　double　life　realized　in　their　child　as　in　an　exquisite　miniature；　it　should　be　for　them　a　never…failing　spring　of　emotion；　implying　their　whole　past　and　their　whole　future。

〃My　poor　little　Helene　is　her　father's　child；　the　offspring　of　duty　and　of　chance。　In　me　she　finds　nothing　but　the　affection　of　instinct；　the　woman's　natural　compassion　for　the　child　of　her　womb。　Socially　speaking；　I　am　above　reproach。　Have　I　not　sacrificed　my　life　and　my　happiness　to　my　child？　Her　cries　go　to　my　heart；　if　she　were　to　fall　into　the　water；　I　should　spring　to　save　her；　but　she　is　not　in　my　heart。

〃Ah！　love　set　me　dreaming　of　a　motherhood　far　greater　and　more　complete。　In　a　vanished　dream　I　held　in　my　arms　a　child　conceived　in　desire　before　it　was　begotten；　the　exquisite　flower　of　life　that　blossoms　in　the　soul　before　it　sees　the　light　of　day。　I　am　Helene's　mother　only　in　the　sense　that　I　brought　her　forth。　When　she　needs　me　no　longer；　there　will　be　an　end　of　my　motherhood；　with　the　extinction　of　the　cause；　the　effects　will　cease。　If　it　is　a　woman's　adorable　prerogative　that　her　motherhood　may　last　through　her　child's　life；　surely　that　divine　persistence　of　sentiment　is　due　to　the　far…reaching　glory　of　the　conception　of　the　soul？　Unless　a　child　has　lain　wrapped　about　from　life's　first　beginnings　by　the　mother's　soul；　the　instinct　of　motherhood　dies　in　her　as　in　the　animals。　This　is　true；　I　feel　that　it　is　true。　As　my　poor　little　one　grows　older；　my　heart　closes。　My　sacrifices　have　driven　us　apart。　And　yet　I　know；　monsieur；　that　to　another　child　my　heart　would　have　gone　out　in　inexhaustible　love；　for　that　other　I　should　not　have　known　what　sacrifice　meant；　all　had　been　delight。　In　this；　monsieur；　my　instincts　are　stronger　than　reason；　stronger　than　religion　or　all　else　in　me。　Does　the　woman　who　is　neither　wife　nor　mother　sin　in　wishing　to　die　when；　for　her　misfortune；　she　has　caught　a　glimpse　of　the　infinite　beauty　of　love；　the　limitless　joy　of　motherhood？　What　can　become　of　her？　/I/　can　tell　you　what　she　feels。　I　cannot　put　that　memory　from　me　so　resolutely　but　that　a　hundred　times；　night　and　day；　visions　of　a　happiness；　greater　it　may　be　than　the　reality；　rise　before　me；　followed　by　a　shudder　which　shakes　brain　and　heart　and　body。　Before　these　cruel　visions；　my　feelings　and　thoughts　grow　colorless；　and　I　ask　myself；　'What　would　my　life　have　been　/if/？'　〃

She　hid　her　face　in　her　hands　and　burst　into　tears。

〃There　you　see　the　depths　of　my　heart！〃　she　continued。　〃For　/his/　child　I　could　have　acquiesced　in　any　lot　however　dreadful。　He　who　died；　bearing　the　burden　of　the　sins　of　the　world　will　forgive　this　thought　of　which　I　am　dying；　but　the　world；　I　know；　is　merciless。　In　its　ears　my　words　are　blasphemies；　I　am　outraging　all　its　codes。　Oh！　that　I　could　wage　war　against　this　world　and　break　down　and　refashion　its　laws　and　traditions！　Has　it　not　turned　all　my　thoughts；　and　feelings；　and　longings；　and　hopes；　and　every　fibre　in　me　into　so　many　sources　of　pain？　Spoiled　my　future；　present；　and　past？　For　me　the　daylight　is　full　of　gloom；　my　thoughts　pierce　me　like　a　sword；　my　child　is　and　is　not。

〃Oh；　when　Helene　speaks　to　me；　I　wish　that　her　voice　were　different；　when　she　looks　into　my　face　I　wish　that　she　had　other　eyes。　She　constantly　keeps　me　in　mind　of　all　that　should　have　been　and　is　not。　I　cannot　bear　to　have　her　near　me。　I　smile　at　her；　I　try　to　make　up　to　her　for　the　real　affection　of　which　she　is　defrauded。　I　am　wretched；　monsieur；　too　wretched　to　live。　And　I　am　supposed　to　be　a　pattern　wife。　And　I　have　committed　no　sins。　And　I　am　respected！　I　have　fought　down　forbidden　love　which　sprang　up　at　unawares　within　me；　but　if　I　have　kept　the　letter　of　the　law；　have　I　kept　it　in　my　heart？　There　has　never　been　but　one　here；〃　she　said；　laying　her　right　hand　on　her　breast；　〃one　and　no　other；　and　my　child　feels　it。　Certain　looks　and　tones　and　gestures　mould　a　child's　nature；　and　my　poor　little　one　feels　no　thrill　in　the　arm　I　put　about　her；　no　tremor　comes　into　my　voice；　no　softness　into　my　eyes　when　I　speak　to　her　o