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lavengro-第147部分

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knelt down under the hedge; and said; 'Our Father'; but that was of 

no use; and now I could no longer repress cries … the horror was 

too great to be borne。  What should I do? run to the nearest town 

or village; and request the assistance of my fellow…men?  No! that 

I was ashamed to do; notwithstanding the horror was upon me; I was 

ashamed to do that。  I knew they would consider me a maniac; if I 

went screaming amongst them; and I did not wish to be considered a 

maniac。  Moreover; I knew that I was not a maniac; for I possessed 

all my reasoning powers; only the horror was upon me … the 

screaming horror!  But how were indifferent people to distinguish 

between madness and the screaming horror?  So I thought and 

reasoned; and at last I determined not to go amongst my fellow…men; 

whatever the result might be。  I went to the mouth of the dingle; 

and there; placing myself on my knees; I again said the Lord's 

Prayer; but it was of no use … praying seemed to have no effect 

over the horror; the unutterable fear appeared rather to increase 

than diminish; and I again uttered wild cries; so loud that I was 

apprehensive they would be heard by some chance passenger on the 

neighbouring road; I therefore went deeper into the dingle。  I sat 

down with my back against a thorn bush; the thorns entered my 

flesh; and when I felt them; I pressed harder against the bush; I 

thought the pain of the flesh might in some degree counteract the 

mental agony; presently I felt them no longer … the power of the 

mental horror was so great that it was impossible; with that upon 

me; to feel any pain from the thorns。  I continued in this posture 

a long time; undergoing what I cannot describe; and would not 

attempt if I were able。  Several times I was on the point of 

starting up and rushing anywhere; but I restrained myself; for I 

knew I could not escape from myself; so why should I not remain in 

the dingle?  So I thought and said to myself; for my reasoning 

powers were still uninjured。  At last it appeared to me that the 

horror was not so strong; not quite so strong; upon me。  Was it 

possible that it was relaxing its grasp; releasing its prey?  Oh 

what a mercy! but it could not be; and yet … I looked up to heaven; 

and clasped my hands; and said; 'Our Father。'  I said no more … I 

was too agitated; and now I was almost sure that the horror had 

done its worst。



After a little time I arose; and staggered down yet farther into 

the dingle。  I again found my little horse on the same spot as 

before。  I put my hand to his mouth … he licked my hand。  I flung 

myself down by him; and put my arms round his neck; the creature 

whinnied; and appeared to sympathise with me。  What a comfort to 

have any one; even a dumb brute; to sympathise with me at such a 

moment!  I clung to my little horse; as if for safety and 

protection。  I laid my head on his neck; and felt almost calm。  

Presently the fear returned; but not so wild as before; it 

subsided; came again; again subsided; then drowsiness came over me; 

and at last I fell asleep; my head supported on the neck of the 

little horse。  I awoke; it was dark; dark night … not a star was to 

be seen … but I felt no fear; the horror had left me。  I arose from 

the side of the little horse; and went into my tent; lay down; and 

again went to sleep。



I awoke in the morning weak and sore; and shuddering at the 

remembrance of what I had gone through on the preceding day; the 

sun was shining brightly; but it had not yet risen high enough to 

show its head above the trees which fenced the eastern side of the 

dingle; on which account the dingle was wet and dank from the dews 

of the night。  I kindled my fire; and; after sitting by it for some 

time to warm my frame; I took some of the coarse food which I have 

already mentioned; notwithstanding my late struggle; and the 

coarseness of the fare; I ate with appetite。  My provisions had by 

this time been very much diminished; and I saw that it would be 

speedily necessary; in the event of my continuing to reside in the 

dingle; to lay in a fresh store。  After my meal; I went to the pit 

and filled a can with water; which I brought to the dingle; and 

then again sat down on my stone。  I considered what I should next 

do:  it was necessary to do something; or my life in this solitude 

would be insupportable。  What should I do? rouse up my forge and 

fashion a horse…shoe?  But I wanted nerve and heart for such an 

employment; moreover; I had no motive for fatiguing myself in this 

manner; my own horse was shod; no other was at hand; and it is hard 

to work for the sake of working。  What should I do? read?  Yes; but 

I had no other book than the Bible which the Welsh Methodist had 

given me。  Well; why not read the Bible? I was once fond of reading 

the Bible; ay; but those days were long gone by。  However; I did 

not see what else I could well do on the present occasion … so I 

determined to read the Bible … it was in Welsh; at any rate it 

might amuse me。  So I took the Bible out of the sack; in which it 

was lying in the cart; and began to read at the place where I 

chanced to open it。  I opened it at that part where the history of 

Saul commences。  At first I read with indifference; but after some 

time my attention was riveted; and no wonder; I had come to the 

visitations of Saul … those dark moments of his; when he did and 

said such unaccountable things; it almost appeared to me that I was 

reading of myself; I; too; had my visitations; dark as ever his 

were。  Oh; how I sympathised with Saul; the tall dark man!  I had 

read his life before; but it had made no impression on me; it had 

never occurred to me that I was like him; but I now sympathised 

with Saul; for my own dark hour was but recently passed; and; 

perhaps; would soon return again; the dark hour came frequently on 

Saul。



Time wore away; I finished the book of Saul; and; closing the 

volume; returned it to its place。  I then returned to my seat on 

the stone; and thought of what I had read; and what I had lately 

undergone。  All at once I thought I felt well…known sensations; a 

cramping of the breast; and a tingling of the soles of the feet; 

they were what I had felt on the preceding day … they were the 

forerunners of the fear。  I sat motionless on my stone; the 

sensations passed away; and the fear came not。  Darkness was now 

coming again over the earth; the dingle was again in deep shade; I 

roused the fire with the breath of the bellows; and sat looking at 

the cheerful glow; it was cheering and comforting。  My little horse 

came now and lay down on the ground beside the forge; I was not 

quite deserted。  I again ate some of the coarse food; and drank 

plentifully of the water which I had fetched in the morning。  I 

then put fresh fuel on the fire; and sat for a long time looking on 

the blaze; I then went into my tent。



I awoke; on my own calculation; ab
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