lavengro-第137部分

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'We　are　all　wicked；'　said　Winifred；　'but　you　are　afraid　of　a　

shadow。　　How　often　have　I　told　you　that　the　sin　of　your　heart　is　

not　the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost：　　the　sin　of　your　heart　is　its　

natural　pride；　of　which　you　are　scarcely　aware；　to　keep　down　which　

God　in　His　mercy　permitted　you　to　be　terrified　with　the　idea　of　

having　committed　a　sin　which　you　never　committed。'



'Then　you　will　still　maintain；'　said　Peter；　'that　I　never　committed　

the　sin　against　the　Holy　Spirit？'



'I　will；'　said　Winifred；　'you　never　committed　it。　　How　should　a　

child　seven　years　old　commit　a　sin　like　that？'



'Have　I　not　read　my　own　condemnation？'　said　Peter。　　'Did　not　the　

first　words　which　I　read　in　the　Holy　Scripture　condemn　me？　　〃He　who　

committeth　the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost　shall　never　enter　into　

the　kingdom　of　God。〃'



'You　never　committed　it；'　said　Winifred。



'But　the　words！　the　words！　the　words！'　said　Peter。



'The　words　are　true　words；'　said　Winifred；　sobbing；　'but　they　were　

not　meant　for　you；　but　for　those　who　have　broken　their　profession；　

who；　having　embraced　the　cross；　have　receded　from　their　Master。'



'And　what　sayst　thou　to　the　effect　which　the　words　produced　upon　

me？'　said　Peter。　　'Did　they　not　cause　me　to　run　wild　through　Wales　

for　years；　like　Merddin　Wyllt　of　yore；　thinkest　thou　that　I　opened　

the　book　at　that　particular　passage　by　chance？'



'No；'　said　Winifred；　'not　by　chance；　it　was　the　hand　of　God　

directed　you；　doubtless　for　some　wise　purpose。　　You　had　become　

satisfied　with　yourself。　　The　Lord　wished　to　rouse　thee　from　thy　

state　of　carnal　security；　and　therefore　directed　your　eyes　to　that　

fearful　passage。'



'Does　the　Lord　then　carry　out　His　designs　by　means　of　guile？'　said　

Peter　with　a　groan。　　'Is　not　the　Lord　true？　　Would　the　Lord　impress　

upon　me　that　I　had　committed　a　sin　of　which　I　am　guiltless？　　Hush；　

Winifred！　hush！　thou　knowest　that　I　have　committed　the　sin。'



'Thou　hast　not　committed　it；'　said　Winifred；　sobbing　yet　more　

violently。　　'Were　they　my　last　words；　I　would　persist　that　thou　

hast　not　committed　it；　though；　perhaps；　thou　wouldst；　but　for　this　

chastening；　it　was　not　to　convince　thee　that　thou　hast　committed　

the　sin；　but　rather　to　prevent　thee　from　committing　it；　that　the　

Lord　brought　that　passage　before　thy　eyes。　　He　is　not　to　blame；　if　

thou　art　wilfully　blind　to　the　truth　and　wisdom　of　His　ways。'



'I　see　thou　wouldst　comfort　me；'　said　Peter；　'as　thou　hast　often　

before　attempted　to　do。　　I　would　fain　ask　the　young　man　his　

opinion。'



'I　have　not　yet　heard　the　whole　of　your　history；'　said　I。



'My　story　is　nearly　told；'　said　Peter；　'a　few　words　will　complete　

it。　　My　wife　endeavoured　to　console　and　reassure　me；　using　the　

arguments　which　you　have　just　heard　her　use；　and　many　others；　but　

in　vain。　　Peace　nor　comfort　came　to　my　breast。　　I　was　rapidly　

falling　into　the　depths　of　despair；　when　one　day　Winifred　said　to　

me；　〃I　see　thou　wilt　be　lost；　if　we　remain　here。　　One　resource　only　

remains。　　Thou　must　go　forth；　my　husband；　into　the　wide　world；　and　

to　comfort　thee　I　will　go　with　thee。〃　　〃And　what　can　I　do　in　the　

wide　world？〃　said　I；　despondingly。　　〃Much；〃　replied　Winifred；　〃if　

you　will　but　exert　yourself；　much　good　canst　thou　do　with　the　

blessing　of　God。〃　　Many　things　of　the　same　kind　she　said　to　me；　and　

at　last　I　arose　from　the　earth　to　which　God　had　smitten　me；　and　

disposed　of　my　property　in　the　best　way　I　could；　and　went　into　the　

world。　　We　did　all　the　good　we　were　able；　visiting　the　sick；　

ministering　to　the　sick；　and　praying　with　the　sick。　　At　last　I　

became　celebrated　as　the　possessor　of　a　great　gift　of　prayer。　　And　

people　urged　me　to　preach；　and　Winifred　urged　me　too；　and　at　last　I　

consented；　and　I　preached。　　I　…　I　…　outcast　Peter；　became　the　

preacher　Peter　Williams。　　I；　the　lost　one；　attempted　to　show　others　

the　right　road。　　And　in　this　way　I　have　gone　on　for　thirteen　years；　

preaching　and　teaching；　visiting　the　sick；　and　ministering　to　them；　

with　Winifred　by　my　side　heartening　me　on。　　Occasionally　I　am　

visited　with　fits　of　indescribable　agony；　generally　on　the　night　

before　the　Sabbath；　for　I　then　ask　myself；　how　dare　I；　the　outcast；　

attempt　to　preach　the　word　of　God？　　Young　man；　my　tale　is　told；　you　

seem　in　thought！'



'I　am　thinking　of　London　Bridge；'　said　I。



'Of　London　Bridge！'　said　Peter　and　his　wife。



'Yes；'　said　I；　'of　London　Bridge。　　I　am　indebted　for　much　wisdom　to　

London　Bridge；　it　was　there　that　I　completed　my　studies。　　But　to　

the　point。　　I　was　once　reading　on　London　Bridge　a　book　which　an　

ancient　gentlewoman；　who　kept　the　bridge；　was　in　the　habit　of　

lending　me；　and　there　I　found　written；　〃Each　one　carries　in　his　

breast　the　recollection　of　some　sin　which　presses　heavy　upon　him。　　

Oh；　if　men　could　but　look　into　each　other's　hearts；　what　blackness　

would　they　find　there！〃'



'That's　true；'　said　Peter。　　'What　is　the　name　of　the　book？'



'THE　LIFE　OF　BLESSED　MARY　FLANDERS。'



'Some　popish　saint；　I　suppose；'　said　Peter。



'As　much　of　a　saint；　I　daresay；'　said　I；　'as　most　popish　ones；　but　

you　interrupted　me。　　One　part　of　your　narrative　brought　the　passage　

which　I　have　quoted　into　my　mind。　　You　said　that　after　you　had　

committed　this　same　sin　of　yours　you　were　in　the　habit；　at　school；　

of　looking　upon　your　schoolfellows　with　a　kind　of　gloomy　

superiority；　considering　yourself　a　lone　monstrous　being　who　had　

committed　a　sin　far　above　the　daring　of　any　of　them。　　Are　you　sure　

that　many　others　of　your　schoolfellows　were　not　looking　upon　you　

and　the　others　with　much　the　same　eyes　with　which　you　were　looking　

upon　them？'



'How！'　said　Peter；　'dost　thou　think　that　they　had　divined　my　

secret？'



'Not　they；'　said　I；　'they　were；　I　daresay；　thinking　too　much　of　

themselves　and　of　their　own　concerns　to　have　divined　any　secrets　of　

yours。　　All　I　mean　to　say　is；　they　had　probably　secrets　of　their　

own；　and　who　knows　that　the　secret　sin　of　more　than　one　of　them　was　

not　the　very　sin　which　caused　you　so　much　misery？'



'Dost　thou　then　imagine；'　said　Peter；　'the　sin　against　the　Holy　

Ghost　to　be　so　common　an　occurrence？'



'As　you　have　described　it；'　said　I；　'of　very　common　occurrence；　

especially　amongst　children；　who　are；　indeed；　the　only　beings　

likely　to　commit　it。'



'Truly；'　said　Winifred；　'the　young　man　talks　wisely。'



Peter　was　silent　for　some　moments；　and　appeared　to　be　reflecting；　

at　last；　suddenly　raising　his　head；　he　looked　me　full　in　the　face；　

and；　grasping　my　hand　with　vehemence；　he　said；　'Tell　me；　young　man；　

only　one　thing；　hast　thou；　too；　committed　the　sin　against　the　Holy　

Ghost？'



'I　am　neither　Papist　nor　Methodist；'　said　I；　'but　of　the　Church；　

and；　being　so；　confess　myself　to　no　one；　but　keep　my　own　counsel；　I　

will　tell　thee；　however；　had　I　committed；　at　the　same　age；　twenty　

such　sins　as　that　which　you　committed；　I　should　feel　no　uneasiness　

at　th