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lavengro-第133部分
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me。 Meet my father in heaven; … how could I ever hope to meet him
there? I looked wildly at my brethren and at my mother; they were
all bathed in tears; but how I envied them。 They might hope to
meet my father in heaven; but how different were they from me; they
had never committed the unpardonable sin。
'In a few days my father died; he left his family in comfortable
circumstances; at least such as would be considered so in Wales;
where the wants of the people are few。 My elder brother carried on
the farm for the benefit of my mother and us all。 In course of
time my brothers were put out to various trades。 I still remained
at school; but without being a source of expense to my relations;
as I was by this time able to assist my master in the business of
the school。
'I was diligent both in self…improvement and in the instruction of
others; nevertheless; a horrible weight pressed upon my breast; I
knew I was a lost being; that for me there was no hope; that;
though all others might be saved; I must of necessity be lost; I
had committed the unpardonable sin; for which I was doomed to
eternal punishment; in the flaming gulf; as soon as life was over!
… and how long could I hope to live? perhaps fifty years; at the
end of which I must go to my place; and then I would count the
months and the days; nay; even the hours; which yet intervened
between me and my doom。 Sometimes I would comfort myself with the
idea that a long time would elapse before my time would be out; but
then again I thought that; however long the term might be; it must
be out at last; and then I would fall into an agony; during which I
would almost wish that the term were out; and that I were in my
place; the horrors of which I thought could scarcely be worse than
what I then endured。
'There was one thought about this time which caused me unutterable
grief and shame; perhaps more shame than grief。 It was that my
father; who was gone to heaven; and was there daily holding
communion with his God; was by this time aware of my crime。 I
imagined him looking down from the clouds upon his wretched son;
with a countenance of inexpressible horror。 When this idea was
upon me; I would often rush to some secret place to hide myself; to
some thicket; where I would cast myself on the ground; and thrust
my head into a thick bush; in order to escape from the horror…
struck glance of my father above in the clouds; and there I would
continue groaning till the agony had; in some degree; passed away。
'The wretchedness of my state increasing daily; it at last became
apparent to the master of the school; who questioned me earnestly
and affectionately。 I; however; gave him no satisfactory answer;
being apprehensive that; if I unbosomed myself; I should become as
much an object of horror to him as I had long been to myself。 At
length he suspected that I was unsettled in my intellects; and;
fearing probably the ill effect of my presence upon his scholars;
he advised me to go home; which I was glad to do; as I felt myself
every day becoming less qualified for the duties of the office
which I had undertaken。
'So I returned home to my mother and my brother; who received me
with the greatest kindness and affection。 I now determined to
devote myself to husbandry; and assist my brother in the business
of the farm。 I was still; however; very much distressed。 One fine
morning; however; as I was at work in the field; and the birds were
carolling around me; a ray of hope began to break upon my poor dark
soul。 I looked at the earth and looked at the sky; and felt as I
had not done for many a year; presently a delicious feeling stole
over me。 I was beginning to enjoy existence。 I shall never forget
that hour。 I flung myself on the soil; and kissed it; then;
springing up with a sudden impulse; I rushed into the depths of a
neighbouring wood; and; falling upon my knees; did what I had not
done for a long; long time … prayed to God。
'A change; an entire change; seemed to have come over me。 I was no
longer gloomy and despairing; but gay and happy。 My slumbers were
light and easy; not disturbed; as before; by frightful dreams。 I
arose with the lark; and like him uttered a cheerful song of praise
to God; frequently and earnestly; and was particularly cautious not
to do anything which I considered might cause His displeasure。
'At church I was constant; and when there listened with deepest
attention to every word which proceeded from the mouth of the
minister。 In a little time it appeared to me that I had become a
good; very good; young man。 At times the recollection of the sin
would return; and I would feel a momentary chill; but the thought
quickly vanished; and I again felt happy and secure。
'One Sunday morning; after I had said my prayers; I felt
particularly joyous。 I thought of the innocent and virtuous life I
was leading; and when the recollection of the sin intruded for a
moment; said; 〃I am sure God will never utterly cast away so good a
creature as myself。〃 I went to church; and was as usual attentive。
The subject of the sermon was on the duty of searching the
Scriptures: all I knew of them was from the liturgy。 I now;
however; determined to read them; and perfect the good work which I
had begun。 My father's Bible was upon the shelf; and on that
evening I took it with me to my chamber。 I placed it on the table;
and sat down。 My heart was filled with pleasing anticipation。 I
opened the book at random; and began to read; the first passage on
which my eyes lighted was the following:…
'〃He who committeth the sin against the Holy Ghost shall not be
forgiven; either in this world or the next。〃'
Here Peter was seized with convulsive tremors。 Winifred sobbed
violently。 I got up; and went away。 Returning in about a quarter
of an hour; I found him more calm; he motioned me to sit down; and;
after a short pause; continued his narration。
CHAPTER LXXVI
Hasty farewell … Lofty rock … Wrestlings of Jacob … No rest … Ways
of Providence … Two females … Foot of the Cross … Enemy of souls …
Perplexed … Lucky hour … Valetudinarian … Methodists … Fervent in
prayer … You Saxons … Weak creatures … Very agreeable … Almost
happy … Kindness and solicitude。
'WHERE was I; young man? Oh; I remember; at the fatal passage
which removed all hope。 I will not dwell on what I felt。 I closed
my eyes; and wished that I might be dreaming; but it was no dream;
but a terrific reality: I will not dwell on that period; I should
only shock you。 I could not bear my feelings; so; bidding my
friends a hasty farewell; I abandoned myself to horror and despair;
and ran wild through Wales; climbing mountains and wading streams。
'Climbing mountains and wading streams; I ran wild about; I was
burnt by the sun; drenched by the rain; an
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