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lavengro-第108部分

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died he was followed to the grave by the tears of the poor … my 

father was not。



'Two remarkable circumstances are connected with my birth … I am a 

posthumous child; and came into the world some weeks before the 

usual time; the shock which my mother experienced at my father's 

death having brought on the pangs of premature labour; both my 

mother's life and my own were at first despaired of; we both; 

however; survived the crisis。  My mother loved me with the most 

passionate fondness; and I was brought up in this house under her 

own eye … I was never sent to school。



'I have already told you that mine is not a tale of adventure; my 

life has not been one of action; but of wild imaginings and strange 

sensations; I was born with excessive sensibility; and that has 

been my bane。  I have not been a fortunate man。



'No one is fortunate unless he is happy; and it is impossible for a 

being constructed like myself to be happy for an hour; or even 

enjoy peace and tranquillity; most of our pleasures and pains are 

the effects of imagination; and wherever the sensibility is great; 

the imagination is great also。  No sooner has my imagination raised 

up an image of pleasure; than it is sure to conjure up one of 

distress and gloom; these two antagonist ideas instantly commence a 

struggle in my mind; and the gloomy one generally; I may say 

invariably; prevails。  How is it possible that I should be a happy 

man?



'It has invariably been so with me from the earliest period that I 

can remember; the first playthings that were given me caused me for 

a few minutes excessive pleasure:  they were pretty and glittering; 

presently; however; I became anxious and perplexed; I wished to 

know their history; how they were made; and what of … were the 

materials precious?  I was not satisfied with their outward 

appearance。  In less than an hour I had broken the playthings in an 

attempt to discover what they were made of。



'When I was eight years of age my uncle the baronet; who was also 

my godfather; sent me a pair of Norway hawks; with directions for 

managing them; he was a great fowler。  Oh; how rejoiced was I with 

the present which had been made me; my joy lasted for at least five 

minutes; I would let them breed; I would have a house of hawks; 

yes; that I would … but … and here came the unpleasant idea … 

suppose they were to flyaway; how very annoying!  Ah; but; said 

hope; there's little fear of that; feed them well and they will 

never fly away; or if they do they will come back; my uncle says 

so; so sunshine triumphed for a little time。  Then the strangest of 

all doubts came into my head; I doubted the legality of my tenure 

of these hawks; how did I come by them? why; my uncle gave them to 

me; but how did they come into his possession? what right had he to 

them? after all; they might not be his to give。  I passed a 

sleepless night。  The next morning I found that the man who brought 

the hawks had not departed。  〃How came my uncle by these hawks?〃 I 

anxiously inquired。  〃They were sent to him from Norway; master; 

with another pair。〃  〃And who sent them?〃  〃That I don't know; 

master; but I suppose his honour can tell you。〃  I was even 

thinking of scrawling a letter to my uncle to make inquiry on this 

point; but shame restrained me; and I likewise reflected that it 

would be impossible for him to give my mind entire satisfaction; it 

is true he could tell who sent him the hawks; but how was he to 

know how the hawks came into the possession of those who sent them 

to him; and by what right they possessed them or the parents of the 

hawks?  In a word; I wanted a clear valid title; as lawyers would 

say; to my hawks; and I believe no title would have satisfied me 

that did not extend up to the time of the first hawk; that is; 

prior to Adam; and; could I have obtained such a title; I make no 

doubt that; young as I was; I should have suspected that it was 

full of flaws。



'I was now disgusted with the hawks; and no wonder; seeing all the 

disquietude they had caused me; I soon totally neglected the poor 

birds; and they would have starved had not some of the servants 

taken compassion upon them and fed them。  My uncle; soon hearing of 

my neglect; was angry; and took the birds away; he was a very good…

natured man; however; and soon sent me a fine pony; at first I was 

charmed with the pony; soon; however; the same kind of thoughts 

arose which had disgusted me on a former occasion。  How did my 

uncle become possessed of the pony?  This question I asked him the 

first time I saw him。  Oh; he had bought it of a gypsy; that I 

might learn to ride upon it。  A gypsy; I had heard that gypsies 

were great thieves; and I instantly began to fear that the gypsy 

had stolen the pony; and it is probable that for this apprehension 

I had better grounds than for many others。  I instantly ceased to 

set any value upon the pony; but for that reason; perhaps; I turned 

it to some account; I mounted it and rode it about; which I don't 

think I should have done had I looked upon it as a secure 

possession。  Had I looked upon my title as secure; I should have 

prized it so much; that I should scarcely have mounted it for fear 

of injuring the animal; but now; caring not a straw for it; I rode 

it most unmercifully; and soon became a capital rider。  This was 

very selfish in me; and I tell the fact with shame。  I was 

punished; however; as I deserved; the pony had a spirit of its own; 

and; moreover; it had belonged to gypsies; once; as I was riding it 

furiously over the lawn; applying both whip and spur; it suddenly 

lifted up its heels; and flung me at least five yards over its 

head。  I received some desperate contusions; and was taken up for 

dead; it was many months before I perfectly recovered。



'But it is time for me to come to the touching part of my story。  

There was one thing that I loved better than the choicest gift 

which could be bestowed upon me; better than life itself … my 

mother; … at length she became unwell; and the thought that I might 

possibly lose her now rushed into my mind for the first time; it 

was terrible; and caused me unspeakable misery; I may say horror。  

My mother became worse; and I was not allowed to enter her 

apartment; lest by my frantic exclamations of grief I might 

aggravate her disorder。  I rested neither day nor night; but roamed 

about the house like one distracted。  Suddenly I found myself doing 

that which even at the time struck me as being highly singular; I 

found myself touching particular objects that were near me; and to 

which my fingers seemed to be attracted by an irresistible impulse。  

It was now the table or the chair that I was compelled to touch; 

now the bell…rope; now the handle of the door; now I would touch 

the wall; and the next moment; stooping down; I would place the 

point of my finger upon the floor:  and so I continued to do day 

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