the research magnificent-第83部分

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her　voice　was　in　them；　a　softness　that　his　ear　had　loved；　and　not　only　could　she　distress　him；　but　when　Benham　was　in　this　heartache　mood；　when　once　she　had　set　him　going；　then　his　little　mother　also　would　rise　against　him；　touchingly　indignant；　with　her　blue　eyes　bright　with　tears；　and　his　frowsty　father　would　back　towards　him　and　sit　down　complaining　that　he　was　neglected；　and　even　little　Mrs。　Skelmersdale　would　reappear；　bravely　tearful　on　her　chair　looking　after　him　as　he　slunk　away　from　her　through　Kensington　Gardens；　indeed　every　personal　link　he　had　ever　had　to　life　could　in　certain　moods　pull　him　back　through　the　door　of　self…reproach　Amanda　opened　and　set　him　aching　and　accusing　himself　of　harshness　and　self…concentration。　　The　very　kittens　of　his　childhood　revived　forgotten　moments　of　long…repented　hardness。　　For　a　year　before　Prothero　was　killed　there　were　these　heartaches。　　That　tragedy　gave　them　their　crowning　justification。　　All　these　people　said　in　this　form　or　that；　〃You　owed　a　debt　to　us；　you　evaded　it；　you　betrayed　us；　you　owed　us　life　out　of　yourself；　love　and　services；　and　you　have　gone　off　from　us　all　with　this　life　that　was　ours；　to　live　by　yourself　in　dreams　about　the　rule　of　the　world；　and　with　empty　phantoms　of　power　and　destiny。　　All　this　was　intellectualization。　　You　sacrificed　us　to　the　thin　things　of　the　mind。　　There　is　no　rule　of　the　world　at　all；　or　none　that　a　man　like　you　may　lay　hold　upon。　　The　rule　of　the　world　is　a　fortuitous　result　of　incalculably　multitudinous　forces。　　But　all　of　us　you　could　have　made　happier。　　You　could　have　spared　us　distresses。　　Prothero　died　because　of　you。　　Presently　it　will　be　the　turn　of　your　father；　your　motherAmanda　perhaps。　。　。　。〃　He　made　no　written　note　of　his　heartaches；　but　he　made　several　memoranda　about　priggishness　that　White　read　and　came　near　to　understanding。　　In　spite　of　the　tugging　at　his　heart…strings；　Benham　was　making　up　his　mind　to　be　a　prig。　　He　weighed　the　cold　uningratiating　virtues　of　priggishness　against　his　smouldering　passion　for　Amanda；　and　against　his　obstinate　sympathy　for　Prothero's　grossness　and　his　mother's　personal　pride；　and　he　made　his　choice。　　But　it　was　a　reluctant　choice。　One　fragment　began　in　the　air。　　〃Of　course　I　had　made　myself　responsible　for　her　life。　　But　it　was；　you　see；　such　a　confoundedly　energetic　life；　as　vigorous　and　as　slippery　as　an　eel。　。　。　。　　Only　by　giving　all　my　strength　to　her　could　I　have　held　Amanda。　。　。　。　　So　what　was　the　good　of　trying　to　hold　Amanda？　。　。　。　〃All　one's　people　have　this　sort　of　claim　upon　one。　　Claims　made　by　their　pride　and　their　self…respect；　and　their　weaknesses　and　dependences。　　You've　no　right　to　hurt　them；　to　kick　about　and　demand　freedom　when　it　means　snapping　and　tearing　the　silly　suffering　tendrils　they　have　wrapped　about　you。　　The　true　aristocrat　I　think　will　have　enough　grasp；　enough　steadiness；　to　be　kind　and　right　to　every　human　being　and　still　do　the　work　that　ought　to　be　his　essential　life。　　I　see　that　now。　　It's　one　of　the　things　this　last　year　or　so　of　loneliness　has　made　me　realize；　that　in　so　far　as　I　have　set　out　to　live　the　aristocratic　life　I　have　failed。　　Instead　I've　discovered　itand　found　myself　out。　　I'm　an　overstrung　man。　　I　go　harshly　and　continuously　for　one　idea。　　I　live　as　I　ride。　　I　blunder　through　my　fences；　I　take　off　too　soon。　　I've　no　natural　ease　of　mind　or　conduct　or　body。　　I　am　straining　to　keep　hold　of　a　thing　too　big　for　me　and　do　a　thing　beyond　my　ability。　　Only　after　Prothero's　death　was　it　possible　for　me　to　realize　the　prig　I　have　always　been；　first　as　regards　him　and　then　as　regards　Amanda　and　my　mother　and　every　one。　　A　necessary　unavoidable　priggishness。　。　。　。〃I　do　not　see　how　certain　things　can　be　done　without　prigs；　people；　that　is　to　say；　so　concentrated　and　specialized　in　interest　as　to　be　a　trifle　inhuman；　so　resolved　as　to　be　rather　rhetorical　and　forced。　。　。　。　　All　things　must　begin　with　clumsiness；　there　is　no　assurance　about　pioneers。　。　。　。　〃Some　one　has　to　talk　about　aristocracy；　some　one　has　to　explain　aristocracy。　。　。　。　　But　the　very　essence　of　aristocracy；　as　I　conceive　it；　is　that　it　does　not　explain　nor　talk　about　itself。　。　。　。　〃After　all　it　doesn't　matter　what　I　am。　。　。　。　　It's　just　a　private　vexation　that　I　haven't　got　where　I　meant　to　get。　　That　does　not　affect　the　truth　I　have　to　tell。　。　。　。　〃If　one　has　to　speak　the　truth　with　the　voice　of　a　prig；　still　one　must　speak　the　truth。　　I　have　worked　out　some　very　considerable　things　in　my　research；　and　the　time　has　come　when　I　must　set　them　out　clearly　and　plainly。　　That　is　my　job　anyhow。　　My　journey　to　London　to　release　Amanda　will　be　just　the　end　of　my　adolescence　and　the　beginning　of　my　real　life。　　It　will　release　me　from　my　last　entanglement　with　the　fellow　creatures　I　have　always　failed　to　make　happy。　。　。　。　　It's　a　detail　in　the　work。　。　。　。　　And　I　shall　go　on。　But　I　shall　feel　very　like　a　man　who　goes　back　for　a　surgical　operation。　〃It's　very　like　that。　　A　surgical　operation；　and　when　it　is　over　perhaps　I　shall　think　no　more　about　it。　〃And　beyond　these　things　there　are　great　masses　of　work　to　be　done。　So　far　I　have　but　cleared　up　for　myself　a　project　and　outline　of　living。　　I　must　begin　upon　these　masses　now；　I　must　do　what　I　can　upon　the　details；　and；　presently；　I　shall　see　more　clearly　where　other　men　are　working　to　the　same　ends。　。　。　。〃

12

Benham's　expedition　to　China　with　Prothero　was　essentially　a　wrestle　between　his　high　resolve　to　work　out　his　conception　of　the　noble　life　to　the　utmost　limit　and　his　curiously　invincible　affection　and　sympathy　for　the　earthliness　of　that　inglorious　little　don。　Although　Benham　insisted　upon　the　dominance　of　life　by　noble　imaginations　and　relentless　reasonableness；　he　would　never　altogether　abandon　the　materialism　of　life。　　Prothero　had　once　said　to　him；　〃You　are　the　advocate　of　the　brain　and　I　of　the　belly。　Only；　only　we　respect　each　other。〃　　And　at　another　time；　〃You　fear　emotions　and　distrust　sensations。　　I　invite　them。　　You　do　not　drink　gin　because　you　think　it　would　make　you　weep。　　But　if　I　could　not　weep　in　any　other　way　I　would　drink　gin。〃　　And　it　was　under　the　influence　of　Prothero　that　Benham　turned　from　the　haughty　intellectualism；　the　systematized　superiorities　and　refinements；　the　caste　marks　and　defensive　dignities　of　India　to　China；　that　great　teeming　stinking　tank　of　humorous　yellow　humanity。　Benham　had　gone　to　Prothero　again　after　a　bout　of　elevated　idealism。　It　was　only　very　slowly　that　he　reconciled　his　mind　to　the　idea　of　an　entirely　solitary　pursuit　of　his　aristocratic　dream。　　For　some　time　as　he　went　about　the　world　he　was　trying　to　bring　himself　into　relationship　with　the　advanced　thinkers；　the　liberal…minded　people　who　seemed　to　promise　at　least　a　mental　and　moral　co…operation。　　Yet　it　is　difficult　to　see　what　co…operation　was　possible　unless　it　was　some　sort　of　agreement　that　presently　they　should　all　shout　together。　　And　it　was　after　a　certain　pursuit　of　Rabindranath　Tagore；　whom　he　met　in　Hampstead；　that　a　horror　of　perfect　manners　and　perfect　finish　came　upon　him；　and　he　fled　from　that　starry　calm　to　the　rich　uncleanness　of　the　most　undignified　fellow　of　Trinity。　And　as　an　advocate　and　exponent　of　the　richness