the professor at the breakfast table-第29部分

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way　of　admitting　evidence；that　I　could　not　help　being　amused。



I　beg　your　pardon；I　said；I　do　not　wish　to　be　impolite；　but　I　was

thinking　of　their　certificates　to　patent　medicines。　　Let　us　look　at

this　matter。



If　a　minister　had　attended　lectures　on　the　theory　and　practice　of

medicine；　delivered　by　those　who　had　studied　it　most　deeply；　for

thirty　or　forty　years；　at　the　rate　of　from　fifty　to　one　hundred　a

year；if　he　had　been　constantly　reading　and　hearing　read　the　most

approved　text…books　on　the　subject；if　he　had　seen　medicine　actually

practised　according　to　different　methods；　daily；　for　the　same　length

of　time；I　should　think；　that　if　a　person　of　average　understanding；

he　was　entitled　to　express　an　opinion　on　the　subject　of　medicine；　or

else　that　his　instructors　were　a　set　of　ignorant　and　incompetent

charlatans。



If；　before　a　medical　practitioner　would　allow　me　to　enjoy　the　full

privileges　of　the　healing　art；　he　expected　me　to　affirm　my　belief　in

a　considerable　number　of　medical　doctrines；　drugs；　and　formulae；　I

should　think　that　he　thereby　implied　my　right　to　discuss　the　same；

and　my　ability　to　do　so；　if　I　knew　how　to　express　myself　in　English。



Suppose；　for　instance；　the　Medical　Society　should　refuse　to　give　us

an　opiate；　or　to　set　a　broken　limb；　until　we　had　signed　our　belief　in

a　certain　number　of　propositions；of　which　we　will　say　this　is　the

first：



I。　　All　men's　teeth　are　naturally　in　a　state　of　total　decay　or

caries；　and；　therefore；　no　man　can　bite　until　every　one　of　them　is

extracted　and　a　new　set　is　inserted　according　to　the　principles　of

dentistry　adopted　by　this　Society。



I；　for　one；　should　want　to　discuss　that　before　signing　my　name　to　it；

and　I　should　say　this：Why；　no；　that　is　n't　true。　　There　are　a　good

many　bad　teeth；　we　all　know；　but　a　great　many　more　good　ones。　　You

must　n't　trust　the　dentists；　they　are　all　the　time　looking　at　the

people　who　have　bad　teeth；　and　such　as　are　suffering　from　toothache。

The　idea　that　you　must　pull　out　every　one　of　every　nice　young　man　and

young　woman's　natural　teeth！　　Poh；　poh！　　Nobody　believes　that。　　This

tooth　must　be　straightened；　that　must　be　filled　with　gold；　and　this

other　perhaps　extracted；　but　it　must　be　a　very　rare　case；　if　they　are

all　so　bad　as　to　require　extraction；　and　if　they　are；　don't　blame　the

poor　soul　for　it！　　Don't　tell　us；　as　some　old　dentists　used　to；　that

everybody　not　only　always　has　every　tooth　in　his　head　good　for

nothing；　but　that　he　ought　to　have　his　head　cut　off　as　a　punishment

for　that　misfortune！　　No；　I　can't　sign　Number　One。　　Give　us　Number

Two。



II。　　We　hold　that　no　man　can　be　well　who　does　not　agree　with　our

views　of　the　efficacy　of　calomel；　and　who　does　not　take　the　doses　of

it　prescribed　in　our　tables；　as　there　directed。



To　which　I　demur；　questioning　why　it　should　be　so；　and　get　for　answer

the　two　following：



III。　　Every　man　who　does　not　take　our　prepared　calomel；　as　prescribed

by　us　in　our　Constitution　and　By…Laws；　is　and　must　be　a　mass　of

disease　from　head　to　foot；　it　being　self…evident　that　he　is

simultaneously　affected　with　Apoplexy；　Arthritis；　Ascites；　Asphyxia；

and　Atrophy；　with　Borborygmus；　Bronchitis；　and　Bulimia；　with

Cachexia；　Carcinoma；　and　Cretinismus；　and　so　on　through　the　alphabet；

to　Xerophthahnia　and　Zona；　with　all　possible　and　incompatible

diseases　which　are　necessary　to　make　up　a　totally　morbid　state；　and

he　will　certainly　die；　if　he　does　not　take　freely　of　our　prepared

calomel；　to　be　obtained　only　of　one　of　our　authorized　agents。



IV。　　No　man　shall　be　allowed　to　take　our　prepared　calomel　who　does

not　give　in　his　solemn　adhesion　to　each　and　all　of　the　above…named

and　the　following　propositions　（from　ten　to　a　hundred）　and　show　his

mouth　to　certain　of　our　apothecaries；　who　have　not　studied　dentistry；

to　examine　whether　all　his　teeth　have　been　extracted　and　a　new　set

inserted　according　to　our　regulations。



Of　course；　the　doctors　have　a　right　to　say　we　sha'n't　have　any

rhubarb；　if　we　don't　sign　their　articles；　and　that；　if；　after　signing

them；　we　express　doubts　（in　public；　about　any　of　them；　they　will　cut

us　off　from　our　jalap　and　squills；but　then　to　ask　a　fellow　not　to

discuss　the　propositions　before　he　signs　them　is　what　I　should　call

boiling　it　down　a　little　too　strong！



If　we　understand　them；　why　can't　we　discuss　them？　　If　we　can't

understand　them；　because　we　have　n't　taken　a　medical　degree；　what　the

Father　of　Lies　do　they　ask　us　to　sign　them　for？



Just　so　with　the　graver　profession。　　Every　now　and　then　some　of　its

members　seem　to　lose　common　sense　and　common　humanity。　　The　laymen

have　to　keep　setting　the　divines　right　constantly。　　Science；　for

instance；in　other　words；　knowledge；is　not　the　enemy　of　religion；

for；　if　so；　then　religion　would　mean　ignorance：　But　it　is　often　the

antagonist　of　school…divinity。



Everybody　knows　the　story　of　early　astronomy　and　the　school…divines。

Come　down　a　little　later；　Archbishop　Usher；　a　very　learned　Protestant

prelate；　tells　us　that　the　world　was　created　on　Sunday；　the　twenty…

third　of　October；　four　thousand　and　four　years　before　the　birth　of

Christ。　　Deluge；　December　7th；　two　thousand　three　hundred　and　forty…

eight　years　B。　C。　　Yes；　and　the　earth　stands　on　an　elephant；　and　the

elephant　on　a　tortoise。　　One　statement　is　as　near　the　truth　as　the

other。



Again；　there　is　nothing　so　brutalizing　to　some　natures　as　moral


surgery。　　I　have　often　wondered　that　Hogarth　did　not　add　one　more

picture　to　his　four　stages　of　Cruelty。　　Those　wretched　fools；

reverend　divines　and　others；　who　were　strangling　men　and　women　for

imaginary　crimes　a　little　more　than　a　century　ago　among　us；　were　set

right　by　a　layman；　and　very　angry　it　made　them　to　have　him　meddle。



The　good　people　of　Northampton　had　a　very　remarkable　man　for　their

clergyman；a　man　with　a　brain　as　nicely　adjusted　for　certain

mechanical　processes　as　Babbage's　calculating　machine。　　The

commentary　of　the　laymen　on　the　preaching　and　practising　of　Jonathan

Edwards　was；　that；　after　twenty…three　years　of　endurance；　they　turned

him　out　by　a　vote　of　twenty　to　one；　and　passed　a　resolve　that　he

should　never　preach　for　them　again。　　A　man's　logical　and　analytical

adjustments　are　of　little　consequence；　compared　to　his　primary

relations　with　Nature　and　truth：　and　people　have　sense　enough　to　find

it　out　in　the　long　ran；　they　know　what　〃logic〃　is　worth。



In　that　miserable　delusion　referred　to　above；　the　reverend　Aztecs　and

Fijians　argued　rightly　enough　from　their　premises；　no　doubt；　for　many

men　can　do　this。　　But　common　sense　and　common　humanity　were

unfortunately　left　out　from　their　premises；　and　a　layman　had　to

supply　them。　　A　hundred　more　years　and　many　of　the　barbarisms　still

lingering　among　us　will；　of　course；　have　disappeared　like　witch…

hanging。　　But　people　are　sensitive　now；　as　they　were　then。　　You　will

see　by　this　extract　that　the　Rev。　Cotton　Mather　did　not　like

intermeddling　with　his　busines